Preparation:

On the morning of the event, prepare the food, including dealing with any last-minute requests: 3 different versions of mash (tip: same mash, different serving dishes). Free-from everything gravy.  Plates warmed to 60°C.

With the food under control, you can relax. Family time should be a chance to stop thinking about the likelihood of future health pandemics, impending climate doom and ignore politics for a moment and enjoy the main meal. Right? Not so fast.

The extended family pulls into the drive (tip: don’t say “you’re 2 hours late!”) and in walks your racist, sexist and/or (usually both) homophobic family member.

You can broadly split awful family members into three camps: the Incessant Mutterer who is blatantly sexist/racist/homophobic and unashamed of their views. Next, you have a Raging Agitator, while this may appear like your average Incessant Mutterer on the surface, your typical Raging Agitator doesn’t necessarily have any firm convictions; their views stem from feeling like the world is against them and they’ll take it out on whoever’s in their firing line. Lastly, there’s the Witless Joker, this type of relative is far more subtle in their antagonistic behaviour and may not even realise they are being sexist, racist or homophobic; instant alarm bells and the epitome of “everyday racism/sexist/homophobia”.

Ingredients:

1 Livid Mutterer (tip: happy to simmer) –  Likely to say: “PC gone mad” and is personally offended by “over-representation” of ethnic minorities on daytime TV adverts. Hates: Everyone.

or

1 Raging Agitator (tip: likely to boil over) – Likely to say: “Taking our jobs, filling our schools”  Hates: Greta Thunberg, anyone who disagrees with Piers Morgan, and Meghan Markle.

or

1 Witless Joker (tip: enjoys a flash in the pan) – Likely to say: “It’s fine, I can say it, I’ve got a friend who’s [insert minority group]”. Hates: Gen Z and the “woke-brigade”.

Substitutes: Unfortunately, with family, you get what you’re given.

Recipe:

Step # 1 Consider the outcome. It’s helpful to anticipate how a situation might play out and what your ideal outcome would be. Most likely a full-blown argument isn’t going to be productive but letting something slide could normalise unacceptable behaviour– especially in front of younger family members.  Thinking about the topics and trigger points beforehand gives you time to reflect on your position and prepare points that will resonate with your family member.

Step # 2 Have a strong team around you. Speak to other trusted family members to explain the situation with this particular relative. Not only does this offer you some moral support, but there’s strength in numbers. Bringing in different viewpoints and experiences may help your family member see another perspective. Often, the messenger is just as important as the message.

Step # 3 Remove identity. One of the most important things you can do when speaking to a racist/sexist/homophobic family member is to separate the issue from the context of identity. This isn’t easy. In the media, everything from politics to immigration and abortion are associated with an identity or ideology. However, when someone feels like their personal identity is being attacked, they will become irrationally defensive and often uncritical of issues that in isolation they would reject. Create distance and focus on the issue at hand to allow a logical and nuanced debate.

Step # 4 Put emotions aside. No one responds well to emotional arguments. Instead of going in all guns blazing, remain rational during a confrontation. Frame your points as objective rather than opinions and avoid letting emotions creep in. This can undermine your credibility and distract from your well-informed argument. (Tip: This is made much easier if you stick to step #3)

Step # 5 Consider the timing.  Whether it’s a sly comment or a ‘joke’ don’t be afraid to calmly point out at the time what’s been said is offensive and why. Rather than waiting for an unnecessary comment, another option is to tackle a topic head on. Find a quiet moment to sit down with your family member and explain how their views and actions are interpreted. (Tip: this can be done with another person, remember step #2)

Step # 6 Last but not least, observe.

It can be emotionally draining to confront a relative especially during the holidays. Sometimes it’s better to take a step back and simply observe someone’s behaviour. What’s driving their bigotry? What can you learn for next time?

Top tip:

• This recipe isn’t just for family holidays or to face that relative. In fact, the beauty of this recipe lies in the versatility: try it with colleagues or friends; at a summer BBQ or on a winter walk!

Whatever actions you take—whether it’s engaging in a proactive and informed debate or calling someone out for an offensive comment—, you are playing a part in stamping out racism, homophobia and sexism from our society. It might not be easy, but it’s worth the effort. When practiced diligently, individual actions underpin every powerful social movement. With enough people behind a cause, a critical mass can form, which leads to more and more people beginning to feel like they can make a difference because others are with them. “The way things change,” Noam Chomsky says, “is because lots of people are working all the time, and they’re working in their communities or their workplace or wherever they happen to be, and they’re building up the basis for popular movements.”  Standing up to your relative might not feel like you’ll change the world, but your efforts could allow the pot of people also pushing for a more inclusive and equitable society to bubble over.

Sources: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/02/10/how-to-change-someones-mind-according-to-science/ | https://www.behavioraleconomics.com/changing-your-mind/

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20180622-the-surprising-reason-people-change-their-minds